happy birthday, rowan!

i wanted to write you a letter to commemorate your special "all-about-you" day. it's been awhile since we've seen one another, i guess when i moved away that made things more difficult. the last time i saw you was probably 3 years now, maybe even more, i'll have to look at my file. a lot can happen in 3 years as i'm sure these last 3 have no doubt taught you. hopefully in that time you've had a chance to do a few things with your life: catch up on your reading, travel, or perhaps you've met that special someone. if there's one thing i can say it's take your time. you're young and you've got a lot of ahead of you. best not to burnout right out of the gate i always say. as for the other stuff, assuming that's what you've been up to, good for you! the joys of travel are invigorating and the happiness a good book can bring, well the sky's the limit, besides a book can take you places a plane never could i always say.

i'm trying to remember back when i was your age. it takes quite a lot of energy to do that these days, there's a lot going on in my head, but i remember being told what to do often. if 6 is anything like i remember it you've probably already been asked to "take a puff" or "inhale this drag" or whatever you kids are calling it these days. as someone that's truly concerned for your well-being, i'm not going to tell you not to oblige these people, as i always say, just make good choices that's all. you'll never regret good choices i always say.

i hope i can teach you from a thousand miles away a little ruse i played when i was your age on my 23rd birthday. i'm not sure if you've opened your gifts or not as i was usually forced to open letters first, but below is a guide to the ruse depending at which time during your present-opening you've arrived at my little gem:

STEP 1: you haven't opened any presents yet
open a present.

STEP 2: you've opened one present or you followed step 1
go ahead and open a second present, but give them a dramatic pause or something to indicate that you're thinking. let the tension fill the room. sometimes silence is more powerful than words i always say.

assuming you only have two presents then just skip ahead to the last step, which coincidentally is the next one.

STEP 3: you've opened two presents
you did it. it's time for the ruse. go ahead and just start holding your breath. you can pass out if you'd like, everyone has their own style, just be open to finding your own. pay no mind to what is being yelled at you. i used to bring my hands to my head and then flick my hands out extending my fingers and opening my eyes wide to convey my head exploding. again, do you what you want, this is your time to shine.

so at this point it worked and you're feeling pretty good about yourself after coming to. you're probably a little groggy, but that'll wear off soon. don't worry about the people with the white gloves, you'll learn to really enjoy their company. it's best at this point to not say anything, just take it all in. you'll want to cry, sure, who wouldn't? i mean you'll be in here for a long time which is why i was hoping you had travelled some and really enjoyed life. if you haven't there are ton of books here, a ton.

instead of a return envelope i've simply enclosed what we call around here a a "i just can't take it anymore" pass, it's sort of a take on the get out of jail card in monoploy. granted they won't let you out of the building with it, but it allows someone to visit with another person outside of their cell. i'm on the 4th floor in "the corner office" as it's been dubbed now. i have an open-door policy and would really like to see you when you get a chance. welcome aboard.

i'm sorry i couldn't get you something better for your birthday, but i tried. always try, that's what i always say.

i always say. say i always. always say i.

in cousin love (not the inappropriate kind),
ted "that's MR. tibbs to you pal" flannigan

p.s. when you're in the halls, presumedly to see me, if you happen upon a duck (you don't need to know the color, there's just the one) tell him "tibbs found the lilly, THE LILLY." he'll know what that means. if he tries to kill you after you tell him then everything i've worked for the last 10 years has been for not, run if you can. remember, ducks are afraid of of the piccolo so you might be able to shake him if you play a tune, otherwise a well-placed kick could be just enough to get away. get away i always say, get away.